The ever-present dilemma
If you’ve never had issues with weight/eating/sustenance-related control - be very, very thankful. Every calorie you ingest without panic attack, whether you realize it or not (which, of course, you do not), is a bit of normalcy that for some, is far from a given.
It’s sounds easy to write off eating issues as senseless and vain, but when it’s been the rain cloud hanging over your head, saturating your whole existence, it isn’t quite so trivial.
The absurdity of not being able to live with doing something you can’t live without isn’t lost on me, but that doesn’t stop it from tearing me apart from the inside out.
It’s less of an unhealthy way of thinking now as it is an innate obsession; in the very moment I’m telling myself it’s alright, and attempting to forgive my humanity, my lungs are constricting; I’m grabbing at my skin.
Whether I’m eating or surviving on coffee and cigarettes, it’s an ever-present, purposeful, decision. I’m shamed, even, by the amount of thinking I do about something I loathe so, the extent to which it affects my life.
It’s become a familiar sequence of events now: I eat food, and guilt eats me.